I can't get no satisfaction

This title is a bit of a misnomer as it relates to what I am feeling lately, but it does accurately depict the feelings that have been rattling around inside me for some time.

I have recently started a second job in an effort to improve our financial situation here at home. It has been a struggle to get over the hump of it and finally settle into the thankfulness to God for providing this opportunity to me. You see, it was only after I had begun this job that I realized how truly unsatisfied I had been with my performance as the family's "provider." I have worked at the same place for ten and a half years and have convinced myself that my income there is enough-despite the fact that the evidence lay before me in unopened envelopes, blatantly telling me otherwise. I had finally succeeded in lying to myself enough, and believed that everything was cool, much to my chagrin.

Over the past week, through half-opened eyelids, and hours of sleep dwindling to what feels like near-nothing, I have realized the satisfaction of providing for my family, a feeling that I had cheapened and cheapened over the years until I finally succumbed to the shell of satisfaction I had created in my mind. I praise God today for providing this opportunity to me; for showing me what real satisfaction feels like, and for giving me the strength to take on this load. It is only through His strength that I am able to achieve this awesome feeling. There is a long road ahead of me, but I know that God has given me this opportunity, and He will see me through.

-cw