Friday, January 23, 2009

Falling into Jesus

Knowing who I am and who created me helps me know where to fall everytime. I am going through the biggest struggle of my 33 nearly 34 years. I don't pretend that I have seen the worst thing or by far know everything. I am just learning where to fall.

This past month I have had my life partner truly break my heart, come to realization that financially we have hit rock bottom for the second time, and been lost and are wondering without a church home. I most of which I am responsible for or at least played a huge part in. It still left me free falling into a pit of despair. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until well until forever. I realized as I cried and sometimes screamed I was crying and screaming to Jesus. I knew I wasn't alone. I was hurting, I was broken, I was even crushed, but not left alone. I knew he was listening to all that I was saying and all I didn't say.

I am airing my dirty laundry not because I am hoping yours gets dirty but because I know my God is helping me wash mine. I know God never left me, I know I fell straight into his arms. I also know I am not alone in the hurting.

I grew up with sayings like "God will never give us more than we can handle" and "God helps those that help themselves" and while they are great I think they cripple us from the truth. The truth is that we have more than we can handle all the time and if we could help ourselves there would be no need for God's intervention. Those sayings are peoples way of leaving God out and putting people in. The truth is His word says He will give you a way out, not you will make a way out. It is also true we must work out what He is working in, but let me you tell it is God that is working within before you will work it out. God will not share His glory.

I found that I thought that I was far from God and that was only mental positioning. I can tell you in my fall it was as though He was breathing in my face, holding me. I just want to encourage you whatever is going on in your life God already knows about it, He made you! He wants to work in you so you can work it out, for His glory in every situation and circumstance.


Thursday, January 15, 2009


If we would just be transparent that we don't have it all together. If we could all truly tell the truth about our hurts and needs, I think we could better bear each others burdens. I also am convinced that we could testify more effectively of Christ in us. His abilitly to save, comfort, and heal.

I think everytime we say we are okay when we aren't or give God credit for something we truly haven't even begun to let him work out in our lives we lie. We lie to ourselves, we lie to others and we are not giving God any glory because our life lived out will show itself to me less than honorable, less than glorifying to His name.

I ache for God in all the places of my heart and life. I don't want to just pretend He is there and then try to workup the appearance that He is. This is my prayer and I know I am far from this place right now.

I will coninue to ask for God's help to press through this to victory in Him.

Eph 3:16-18

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


This question is on my mind it seems daily. Well it is on mind hourly it seems this past month. Why? I am trying to understand why me? Why now? Why would someone else make the choices they did. I guess I won't have the answers. I want them so badly, so bad I will claw at them. I will read another book, I will ask another question without answers. I will pray prayers that I know God can't answer. Then I do the really silly thing I ask myself why are you doing this? It would be funny if it weren't so awful.

I always hate to say this is the worst thing because I know there is worse. I know I have beautiful blessings in my life everyday. I have three wonderful children. I have food in my kitchen everyday. I have parents and a sister. I have a God who is sovereign and saved me from hell and even myself.

Then I get back to the why..then why does it hurt so bad? Why am I having such a hard time with this? Shouldn't it be easier, shouldn't I be better at forgiving with all my God has done for me?? Am I the only one or am I the only one talking about it? Why do people act so Christian and they have it all together or maybe they do and I don't??!!

Well I have blabbered on but this has to go somewhere


Friday, January 9, 2009

what do you do when it hurts to much?

I keep asking myself how do I move or breathe or even get up for another day when I feel so broken in a million pieces. Then at the next moment I ask myself, what are you being so silly for, get up move on what are you being broken and hurt for? Just the swinging back and forth is enough to make you feel insane. Somehow in the midst of this all I know my God is walking with me. I am sure that when no one knows my pain he can not just see it but understand every bit of it. Right now that comforts me to know I am understood, I am seen. More than that my pain is understood and seen.

I guess for the future I want to be able to think of day when it won't hurt like this. I want to be able to think of a day when my relationship with God is restored fully and my marriage is restored. I am beginning to think it is possible. I know that it is possible somewhere in my heart, I could read it, I could probably even tell my friend but it escapes my scope when I think of it in my future.

I should say I am certain without Christ this would unbearable. I need to act on my belief that God is bigger than any circumstance that could ever come. I need to cling to Jesus in this storm.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Man when you're wrong you're wrong

I love to be right and hate to be hurt. I love for things to go well too. I love when my family and marriage is all packed in a nice package. I guess I like it so well I will lie to myself. I like it so well I will squeeze God out to have it. I will arrange all my feelings to have it. I will apologize for hurt feelings and just plain turn into someone else to get it. The reality that life has spun so far out of control so you could keep it looking somewhat like you wanted it to, really just sucks pardon my french.

I am truly terrified someone will hurt me and I won't like it so I just tell myself, it didn't hurt or they can't hurt me. Or other really interesting things "christian" things like God loves me, so they can't bother me, which is my favorite. So when my marriage is a total wreck and I am dieing inside. I am smiling the whole time saying it doesn't hurt when my life partner has been dishonest with me for years, it can't hurt me because God loves me. At some point I realize what a liar I am to myself, how prideful I am. I am so worried about me, about God being who I want, about my family looking how I want. I won't even admit to myself that I am hurting. That lies hurt, broken promises hurt. I won't admit God isn't even the puppet master in heaven controlling people to make them like I want, he isn't a waiter that gets me what I want or makes my life beautiful and happy everyday.

I am just realizing that it is only in truth that healing can ever happen. I have to tell myself the truth. The truth about who God is. The truth about who I am. The truth about who my Husband is...and who all those people can be to me.

I will be honest it has been and still is like a death to me. I am mourning the loss of the things that will never be, because of who I can't even be to myself, but also who God and Chris can't be to or for me. I am sad to say my expectations were high, and not even real but they were real to me. I had been developing them and thinking on them since I was a little girl so this has been a very difficult time of loss for me.

I am trying to grow in my understanding who God is not what I want Him to be. I want Eph3:17-18 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."