Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Life is Strange

My uncle died a week ago, and I was there when he passed. In those moments you think it would be something if you were asked to attend you would decline. Somehow I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. He was someone growing up that gave me a nickname "Laura Penny" and always made me welcome in his home. He came from a generation of men that started at one job and retired from that same job. He could rebuild an engine blind-folded. He was the kind of Grandpa that everytime he has the tractor out there was a kid on his lap. He never took a vacation without bringing the kids.

My cousin, his daughter is three weeks younger than myself. We grew up like sisters. Our mothers would buy us matching outfits and we took dance class together. We were like sisters in that we had a love, hate relationship. We have always been there for each other and did nearly everything together growing up but sometimes we had time apart. It doesn't seem to matter the time apart, we have historty together and we are family. We can pick up where we left off and re-connect. I guess that is what family is. It is a very precious thing.

It's been strangely difficult to see people lose parents that are my age. I think of my parents as always being there. It has brought a truth to me that I am really growing up. I probably should have figured that out sooner than 35. It is the little things like going to reunions and now we serve the food and its my kids playing with the little kids. It seems it wasn't too long ago that I was one giving the piggy-back rides sigh.

This blog is probably all over the board but the passing of my uncle has impacted me in alot of ways on many levels. I thought I would share. It is better for me out than in.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I am feeling hopeful lately. Hopeful about many things. I have been through a rough couple of years, in perspective to to my 35 years experience. I have struggled with my health, my marriage, my faith, my finances. Slowly one by one there seems to be clarity in each, not perfection, not easiness, or simpleness but clarity and answers.

Its hard to give up on the dreams of a little girl that thought things could turn out like a fairy tale. Or the old saying if you work hard enough you can have anything. These sayings teach us nothing of contentment or human imperfection or unconditional love. They seem to keep us thinking to strive harder, work more for something that doesn't or may never exist. I am learning I can want something but I chose how discontent I will become if it doesn't go my way. Strangely enough this has given me peace and even made me more hopeful about the future than ever before.
I have found that I am trying to control the uncontrollable.

There are things I could use more discipline with, money and food would be on the list for sure. I am not saying stop working hard or not to work at all, I am saying be careful what you feel entitled to based on the work. I have given alot more thought to what I spend time thinking about, and dwelling on and if it is fruitful.

I have found myself very thankful for my Jesus, my husband, my boys, my family and friends. I am thankful we have found a church family again after wondering for awhile.


Thursday, May 28, 2009


I have been trying to decern, or compare some things in my own life. Is this thing better than this thing? Would this situation be better than this situation? Would God be more pleased with this or that? We all come to different crossroads for different reasons. I think some because of choices we have made good ones and bad. Others because of choices people close to us have made.

I think we all prefer the crossroads that are the result of the good choices we have made, like we have saved alot of money and now we have to choose where to take our next vacation. How about finishing four long hard years of college and the choice of where to work. However we all find ourselves at crossroads that are the result of the good and the bad choices of ourselves and those around us.

In every situation we have an opportunity to grow and learn. We have a chance for change. We also have a God that wants to show us who He is in it.

I recently have been going through some tough choices and real changes and feeling like life is too hard. I think life is rough and stinky sometimes. I think it has real pain.

But God's lovingkindness is better than life itself, so I will praise Him. That is what I read in psalms and it comforted me to remember God is even better than life itself. What I have in Jesus outdoes and overcomes anything this life has to throw at me, or what I think I could mess up in life.


Monday, March 23, 2009

What is my hope in?

I wrote my last blog about hope, and I was very confident that my hope was in Christ and the work He was doing and going to do. It was the day before my Husband was leaving for some intense counseling, counseling I believed would change our life forever.

Two days after that journal my hope was crushed because my Husband not God was not behaving how I wanted, or expected, I guess you could say hoped?! I found out very quickly I was hoping a little in God and alot in Chris. This left room for a wound that I thought was unrepairable. I have to say here I drove by a church the very day I was telling myself and anyone who would listen to me my wounds are too deep..this sign said "God doesn't waste a wound"! If this is not God himself saying hope in me I know wounds, I was wounded to the point of death for you. I will admit I was stubborn and kept talking about how Chris had let me down and I was sure it was unrepairable this time, all hope was lost.

I pressed a little further into Christ and His word instead of what I wanted to do which was run screaming through the streets, but I will admit I did tell about anyone who would listen on that day that I had been wronged big time and that I was mad as could be. I found this piece of scripture "It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in men. It is better to take refuge in him than in the mightiest king!" Psalm 118:8-9. This hit me over the head my hope and confidence was in what Chris could do, or accomplish and if he failed then my hope would be lost even my hope in Christ! I began to pray that God would do a miracle in my heart and that I would put my confidence in Christ only.

I have found so much freedom in knowing my joy is not based on Chris' performance, or if my marriage succeeds. My joy is in Christ only, my hope is in Christ only. God wants great things for my life if I will seek Him with my whole heart trusting that He will add everything else, then I will be free.


Sunday, March 8, 2009


Hope is a curious thing isn't it really. I find that it is at least. I will purpose in my heart to have it, and know with mind that you only find it in Christ and the next thing I know something in my circumstance will just make me have overwhelming feelings of gloom and doom. You know pure hopelessness. It will take me a moment to snap out of it and realize as his children we will overcome this world. I have to tell myself that I will overcome this world. Whatever it can throw at me. Whatever preconceived idea I had that God would do, or not let happen. I have to choose not only to praise Him but not lose hope about who God is and what He promised to do.

I am realizing more and more. God's word is full of families that struggled with sin and trouble. God actually promised us trouble and trials. We spend most of our days trying to get to a place of heaven on earth. A place where there is no hurt or trouble and there is always peace. I want to spend my days hungering for more Jesus, and His character. Then when the trouble comes I will be able to withstand it. I will bring glory to Him and maybe there will be others that come to heaven because of it. I truly want the time it takes for me to get from the hopeless place to my knees to become less. I don't really want to look like life doesn't hurt me and that I am without feelings, how will I testify of a God that outstretched His arms to die for those who had no way to save themselves, if I look like I am without emotions. I just want to always see my God in the midst of every trial. Please God give me those eyes.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Guard your Heart

As I am walking through the toughest time of my 33 years I am finding my thought life to be the hardest thing to bring under control. I am sure that there are days it does not bring God any glory at all.

I was at church on Sunday and the sermon was about our natural bent what our inclinations are and we are bent toward sin. We don't have to live it out but we have to understand the war that is in us and the God that died for the victory over it!! I can live by the spirit today or the flesh.

If I am being honest there have been more days when my thoughts are that of something like this "nothing is ever going to change", "I am so tired of this", "whatever", "so what", "blah, blah, blah", "keep talking no one wants to hear your mouth", "I don't care if this even works out"!! I am sure these thoughts are not from God and though I am not beating myself up for being hurt or sad. What I am saying dwelling on thoughts like these gives satan a foothold in my heart. This foothold let's him destroy not just me by me leaving hopeless, but it destroys others around me. Have you ever been trying to change and seek God with someone in you ear telling you, whatever, you can't do this, I don't care if you do!

I had a dear friend in Christ say to if these thoughts are not from Christ you need to guard your heart! It probably doesn't sound like a big deal but this is a huge deal this is how families are being destoyed and God's glory is being lost. Isn't that our purpose for being here?? To bring God glory....

Man I don't want to miss it being part of this glory, being an avenue for His glory. I am also certain everything in satan's path is destruction.


Friday, January 23, 2009

Falling into Jesus

Knowing who I am and who created me helps me know where to fall everytime. I am going through the biggest struggle of my 33 nearly 34 years. I don't pretend that I have seen the worst thing or by far know everything. I am just learning where to fall.

This past month I have had my life partner truly break my heart, come to realization that financially we have hit rock bottom for the second time, and been lost and are wondering without a church home. I most of which I am responsible for or at least played a huge part in. It still left me free falling into a pit of despair. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until well until forever. I realized as I cried and sometimes screamed I was crying and screaming to Jesus. I knew I wasn't alone. I was hurting, I was broken, I was even crushed, but not left alone. I knew he was listening to all that I was saying and all I didn't say.

I am airing my dirty laundry not because I am hoping yours gets dirty but because I know my God is helping me wash mine. I know God never left me, I know I fell straight into his arms. I also know I am not alone in the hurting.

I grew up with sayings like "God will never give us more than we can handle" and "God helps those that help themselves" and while they are great I think they cripple us from the truth. The truth is that we have more than we can handle all the time and if we could help ourselves there would be no need for God's intervention. Those sayings are peoples way of leaving God out and putting people in. The truth is His word says He will give you a way out, not you will make a way out. It is also true we must work out what He is working in, but let me you tell it is God that is working within before you will work it out. God will not share His glory.

I found that I thought that I was far from God and that was only mental positioning. I can tell you in my fall it was as though He was breathing in my face, holding me. I just want to encourage you whatever is going on in your life God already knows about it, He made you! He wants to work in you so you can work it out, for His glory in every situation and circumstance.