Man when you're wrong you're wrong

I love to be right and hate to be hurt. I love for things to go well too. I love when my family and marriage is all packed in a nice package. I guess I like it so well I will lie to myself. I like it so well I will squeeze God out to have it. I will arrange all my feelings to have it. I will apologize for hurt feelings and just plain turn into someone else to get it. The reality that life has spun so far out of control so you could keep it looking somewhat like you wanted it to, really just sucks pardon my french.

I am truly terrified someone will hurt me and I won't like it so I just tell myself, it didn't hurt or they can't hurt me. Or other really interesting things "christian" things like God loves me, so they can't bother me, which is my favorite. So when my marriage is a total wreck and I am dieing inside. I am smiling the whole time saying it doesn't hurt when my life partner has been dishonest with me for years, it can't hurt me because God loves me. At some point I realize what a liar I am to myself, how prideful I am. I am so worried about me, about God being who I want, about my family looking how I want. I won't even admit to myself that I am hurting. That lies hurt, broken promises hurt. I won't admit God isn't even the puppet master in heaven controlling people to make them like I want, he isn't a waiter that gets me what I want or makes my life beautiful and happy everyday.

I am just realizing that it is only in truth that healing can ever happen. I have to tell myself the truth. The truth about who God is. The truth about who I am. The truth about who my Husband is...and who all those people can be to me.

I will be honest it has been and still is like a death to me. I am mourning the loss of the things that will never be, because of who I can't even be to myself, but also who God and Chris can't be to or for me. I am sad to say my expectations were high, and not even real but they were real to me. I had been developing them and thinking on them since I was a little girl so this has been a very difficult time of loss for me.

I am trying to grow in my understanding who God is not what I want Him to be. I want Eph3:17-18 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."