Why?

This question is on my mind it seems daily. Well it is on mind hourly it seems this past month. Why? I am trying to understand why me? Why now? Why would someone else make the choices they did. I guess I won't have the answers. I want them so badly, so bad I will claw at them. I will read another book, I will ask another question without answers. I will pray prayers that I know God can't answer. Then I do the really silly thing I ask myself why are you doing this? It would be funny if it weren't so awful.

I always hate to say this is the worst thing because I know there is worse. I know I have beautiful blessings in my life everyday. I have three wonderful children. I have food in my kitchen everyday. I have parents and a sister. I have a God who is sovereign and saved me from hell and even myself.

Then I get back to the why..then why does it hurt so bad? Why am I having such a hard time with this? Shouldn't it be easier, shouldn't I be better at forgiving with all my God has done for me?? Am I the only one or am I the only one talking about it? Why do people act so Christian and they have it all together or maybe they do and I don't??!!

Well I have blabbered on but this has to go somewhere

Eph3:14-18
LW